I am having an identity crisis. My identity has been stolen and is nowhere to be found. One day I was changing diapers and the next I was home alone on a Saturday. I once had an M.A. in Paper Hats and Costume Couture but now the only instruction I receive consists of what time to pick up my daughter after a movie.
Don’t misunderstand. I love to be alone. I’m just not used to being alone. And as I am starting to have more time alone, I don’t know what to do with it. For years I would have given a kidney to have three minutes alone in the bathroom, but now that I have three hours, I’m dumbfounded. Is it okay for me to sit down and read or should I be forwarding the laundry? If someone had told me five years ago that I wouldn’t know what to do with a little free time, I would think they had boarded the Crazy Train.
I just don’t know what to do with myself right now. I am so humbled that God picked me to mother these children, my children, His children. With each hug, hurt feeling, scraped knee or celebration I am reminded of how much He must love me to entrust me with these precious beings. I know that the gifts God gave me to nurture my children are also to be used to care for others – the lonely, the poor, the brokenhearted. And thankfully, He has given me a desire to do so. But I also have the feeling that He is about to ask me to step out of my comfort zone. And I like it in here.
So while I mourn the missing pitter-patter of little feet, I am anxiously waiting to see how God will use me, my husband, and our children in this next chapter of our lives. I don’t know what that looks like at this moment and that’s a little unsettling to me. I just hope I will be able to make use of my mean hat making skills. I’d hate for a gift like that to go to waste.
fear-less.me 